Transform Your Troubled Relationship with These Five Simple Steps

If you’re in a relationship, but it doesn’t feel like what you want and need, it’s time to consider transforming the relationship before you think of ending it. If you love your partner, but you’re not getting what you need and want from them, try using these steps to transform your relationship before you give up.

Identify what you do and do not want in a relationship. It’s critical that you know what you want, need, and expect in a relationship before you get into one. If you’re already in a relationship, now is the time to define your wants, needs, and expectations for yourself so you can share them with your partner. Sharing these things with your partner gives you an even playing field where no one is being punished for not giving the other what they want, need or expect because they’re unaware of your wants, needs and expectations. Write down what you want, need, and expect in your relationship and then make time to share them with your partner and hear theirs.

Shift your perspective on the relationship. Try to see your partner in a different way. Compare their knowledge of your wants, needs, and expectations with their behavior. If they are unaware of something, stop holding them accountable to it. If they are aware of, but not meeting your wants, needs and expectations, make time to talk with them about getting those things met. Listen to them as they share what they are lacking in your relationship as well. If you’re feeling lack, chances are they are as well.

Look past your biases and see your partner for who they are, not the idealized or demonized version you are carrying in your head.

​Allow yourself to change how you understand healthy relationships in general and your relationship in particular. What unfair expectations do you have and where did they come from? Finding the source of unfair expectations can help you overcome them. Did your parents have a dysfunctional relationship that you’ve emulated? What changes are you willing to make to get your relationship back on track? What changes do you expect your partner to make? Write it all this down so when you share the information with your partner, your emotions don’t get in the way and muddy the waters.

Accept and celebrate the differences between you and your partner rather than fixate on them as problems. Try to understand your partner as they are, not as you wish them to be. Living in reality in your relationship opens the door to happier and healthier days together. Let your partner be themselves and ask them to do the same for you. Support one another in growth and take strength from the strengths they have where you have weaknesses and vice versa. You’re both individuals, but it’s how you connect that makes your relationship work or not.

Your partner is not your twin, so stop expecting them to be identical to you. Sure, you have things in common, but you’re not carbon copies of one another. Stop expecting them to think, act, or feel how you do about anything, but especially about your connection. Look for what about your partner compliments your strengths and weaknesses rather than waiting for them to “fall in line” with your way of doing things.

Stop keeping score. Relationships are not a 50/50 proposition, but rather a 100/100. You must both be all-in if you want success in your relationship. It’s only when you work together as a team that everyone has their needs met and the relationship is successful. If you give your relationship only half your effort, you’re going to find yourself with a resentful partner uninterested in keeping the relationship together. The idea here is to support one another to success in all facets of the relationship and your life together. If you feel you’re doing more than your “fair share,” consider how much happier your life will be when you stop keeping score with who does what and who is doing more than the other. Keeping score doesn’t help your relationship. Rather, it is something we do to justify feeling resentment toward our partners.

Start New. Forgive one another and yourselves. Then work to heal yourselves and the relationship. Leave the past behind you. Release the need to be right or to “win” an argument, especially one from the past, and go forward. It may be difficult for you to release any resentment you might be feeling, but if it is, what better time is there for you to determine why you want to hold on to painful thoughts and feelings toward the person you love?

Breaking up may be the outcome, but if you attempt this transformation process first, you’ll feel better about splitting up if that’s the conclusion you and your partner come to. If there’s no way for the two of you to stay together, this process will show you that. However, if there’s a chance for you to transform the relationship into something that feeds you both, wouldn’t that be the best outcome?